Didn’t the Bible liken ungratefulness to the sharpness of a serpent’s tooth? I suspect that those dealing with me and my ilk understand this well - particularly in the tricky matter of giving us corporate gifts.
After all, the gift can’t be too plush to suggest bribery, yet its purpose is positive brand awareness.
So what makes a gift transcend its usual destination: The rubbish bin, or ballast in a relative’s Christmas stocking? Here’s my 10 to remember:
1. Business card-sized magnifying glass (with integrated light). Score: 10/10: A gift from the African CDMA Forum whose representatives I met at the recent ITU Telecom Africa show in Cairo. Within 24 hours’ of landing home, it proved extremely useful in scanning my son’s hair for uninvited stowaways. A dose of Nitty Gritty did the rest of the job.
2. Armor-clad submarine cabling. Score 9/10. This mounted section of a trans-atlantic submarine cable from Cable & Wireless is a cherished possession. It’s a reminder of the company’s proud past, and a useful paperweight.
3. AT&T’s company history. Score 8/10: This nicely-produced booklet might become an eBay winner. That’s because I bullied various AT&T executives to autograph it, including outgoing CEO Ed Whitacre.
4. Fiber optic Christmas tree. Score 7/10. A fun gift from BT’s Openreach division, accompanied with informative notes on telecom wiring.
5. Folding director’s chair. Score 6/10: A gift from long-defunct Apricot Computers. It was a genius idea to run a press conference, then tell attendees to take the chairs they sat in.
6. Pens. Score 5/10. Always useful because invariably lost or purloined - just remember not to carry one with the rival’s logo into the chief competitor’s office.
7. Map of Orthodox monasteries. Score 4/10. I can attest that Serbia has some unexpectedly pleasant spots, but perhaps a network map from Telekom Srbija might have been more useful.
8. Oompah works band CD. Score 3/10. The collected musical oeuvre of Services Industriels de Genève, a municipal utility (from which I once bought dark fibre), is an acquired taste, even for avid brass lovers.
9. Cut-glass whisky tumblers. Score 1/10: A gift of the Czech Internet Society; glass and Easyjet baggage handling proved an unhappy combination.
10. Hand-held GPS. Score 0/10. Discretion leads me to omit the name of the U.S. equipment vendor - that I rarely deal with - which sent this some years ago. Blatant bribery implied and stated insurance value considerable; it was promptly returned. Caveat emptor!